▲: oh, are you that lispy troll?
▼: dont make fun of my lii2p a22hole ii2 thii2 the egbert kiid?
▲: um, sorry, and yes
▼: kk talk2 about you all the fuckiing tiime ii 2wear he ha2 2ome2ort of cru2h or 2omethiing.
▲: oh haha really?
▼: more or le22 but ii thiink the 2triider priick liike2 you more ii really dont even care.
▲: whoa what?
▲: you mean dave?
▲: no way!
▼: ye2 the dave kiid he liike2 you he told me hiim2elf after ii confe22ed 2omethiing two hiim.
▲: but dave is my bro, and i am not a homosexual...
▼: tell hiim that your2elf then but he liike2 you.
▲: what did you tell him?
▼: nonethiing that con2ern2 you.
▲: aww, so you won't tell me?
▼: no becau2e kk tell2 me you cant keep a 2ecret.
▲: i can so keep secrets!
▼: pft yeah okay well whatever 2triider wiill ju2t tell everyone when he fiind2 out anyway but ii liike kk iin a flu2ed way.
▲: aww you do? that's awesome! maybe now he will stop trying to mack on me!
▼: ii doubt iit kk doe2nt love anythiing but hate2 everythiing 2o whatever.
▲: i doubt it, everyone has some love buried in them, they just need someone to dig it out of them!
▲: and i guess, since you told me a secret, i should tell you one too, huh
▼: ii thiink that ii2 how iit work2 ye2.
▲: um, okay, but don't make fun of me, alright?
▼: ii wiill not make fun why would ii that2 fuckiing imature.
▲: okay, good...
▲: well, you swear you won't tell anyone, right?
▼: ii fuckiing 2wear on my grave.
▲: awesome, okay...
▲: oh boy, this is awkward
▲: i, uh
▼: liike dave 2triider ii kiind of fiigured that2 why ii told you he liike2 you duh.
▲: oh my god am i that obvious?!
▼: ye2 well two me anyway but iim really good at readiing people.
▲: oh man this is so embarrassing
▼: ii dont 2ee how iit ii2 2o what you liike your friiend ii2nt that kiind of how thiing2 go?
▲: but i am not a homosexual!
▼: what doe2 that even mean anyway.
▲: it means when a boy likes a boy or a girl likes a girl
▼: why doe2 that even have a fuckiing name ii mean jegu2 that2 2o 2tupiid why would iit matter iif you like the 2ame gender?
▲: because only a boy and a girl can reproduce together
▼: what that2 2tupiid human2 are dumb.
▼: but ii 2tiill dont get why iit2 2uch a biig deal.
▲: well... a lot of people on earth had problems with it for some reason...
▼: fuckiing 2tupid you liike who you liike and iit 2houldnt matter theiir gender gog.
▲: wow, you make it sound so easy
▼: iit2 becau2e iit ii2 at lea2t you know your cru2h wont maul you iif he fiind2 out.
▲: heh, yeah, you're right!
▲: um, you're sure he likes me, right?
▼: iim fuckiing 2o 2ure ii could bet my liife on iit.
▲: what did he say, exactly?
▼: what do you mean.
▲: when dave told you, what did he say? like, how did he say it?
▼: he wa2 all 2hy about iit and kept 2ayiing he liiked you for a long tiime and iif ii told he would kiill me or 2omethiing.
▲: oh, that doesn't sound like him though... i'm sure he would have been all cool about it
▼: well you have 2omeone fiind out about your deepe2t darke2t 2ecret and try and keep calm.
▲: but you found out mine, and i'm relatively calm
▼: you told me he diidnt tell me wiilliingly.
▲: how did you get it out of him?
▼: hehe ii have my way2.
▲: well that wasn't suspicious at all!
▼: ii am 2marter then you thiink ii am john.
▲: i already thought you were really smart! karkat told me you were a computer programmer!
▼: ii am a fuckiing geniiu2 iin more then one way.
▲: wow, you must be to get dave to spill his deepest darkest secret
▼: well ii al2o liied about you liikiing him becau2e ii told hiim before ii found out heh.
▼: you heard me.
▲: you lied!
▼: ii never 2aiid ii wouldnt.
▲: but that wasn't fair to dave!
▲: what if i didn't like him?
▼: well then ii dunno my plan worked out 2o why worry about iit.
▲: still, though
▲: that was kind of mean
▼: ii never 2aiid ii wa2 niice ii am a troll duh.
▲: but there are a lot of nice trolls!
▼: look 2top beiing 2o fuckiing worked up iit worked out riight?
▲: okay, sorry
▼: look at iit thii2 way at lea2t you know for 2ure iit wiill work out.
▲: but what if he changes his mind?
▼: plea2e he wouldnt iif what he told me ii2 true and how long he ha2 liiked you.
▲: how long?
▼: liike ii 2hould even tell hehe.
▲: aww come on! please?
▼: he 2aiid 2iince the 2econd you you two talked or 2omethiing fuck ii dont even know.
▲: i mean
▲: that's cool, i guess
▼: dont joke ii know you are 2ecretly loviing thii2.
▲: i'm such a derp...
▼: whatever iit2 kiind of adorable really but ii thiink you 2hould tell dave 2oon or el2e.
▲: or else what? and how can i even bring it up?
▼: hehe oh ju2t get hiim talkiing about who he liike2 and 2ee how iit goe2 from there.
▲: okay, if you think that will work, i mean you are a genius...
▲: but you said or else
▲: what does that mean?
▼: nothiing really or everythiing iit2 no fun two tell everythiing.
▲: please? pretty please?
▲: how will i find out otherwise?
▼: okay fuck you for calliing my empty bluff but really you 2hould before kk triie2 two get you.
▲: you mean
▲: you lied again?
▼: never 2aiid ii wouldnt liie about anythiing happeniing but ii never liied about what dave 2aiid or that 2hiit.
▲: you promise?
▲: you aren't just trying to prank me, are you?
▼: ii promii2e and fuck how iimature do you thiink ii am john.
▲: well, you were lying... lying is pretty immature
▼: only a liitle iim fuckiing 2iix 2weep2 old jegu2 cut me 2ome 2lack.
▲: oh yeah, i remember talking to karkat about sweeps
▲: how many years do you think a sweep is? karkat didn't know
▼: about two human year2 ii thiink.
▲: oh, so we are close to the same age!
▼: yeah we are kk ii2 the younge2t.
▲: i'm the youngest of all my friends too
▼: hah dont tell kk that he wiill thiink iit ju2t prove2 you two were meant for eachother or 2omethiing.
▲: oh noooo, don't worry, i will let you have him all to yourself!
▼: oh 2hut up.
▼: that2 not how quadrent2 work anyway iit doe2nt matter how much ii liike kk he wiill never be ju2t miine.
▲: oh, yeah, i remember a little about quadrants, too... there are four right?
▼: yeah four but only two that mean anythiing phy2iical.
▲: does this mean you want him all to yourself?
▼: no iit doe2nt.
▼: that2 not normal for troll2 2o no.
▲: ... you do, don't you?
▼: fuck off.
▼: iit doe2nt matter iif ii do or dont iit2 not normal and iit wont happen.
▲: well homosexuality isn't normal for humans, and i guess... i'm not normal, so not being normal is okay!
▼: grub2 get culled for beiing not normal iin our 2ociiety 2ooo no iit2 not okay.
▲: oh no!
▲: well, our planets are gone anyway, right? maybe it's time to change things for the better!
▼: kk wouldnt go for iit anyway.
▼: he liike2 two hate thiing2 2o ii wiill have two 2hare and ii can deal wiith iit ii gue22.
▲: you can show him that love is better?
▼: pft youve talked two kk you know how he ii2.
▼: he want2 2omethiing two hate and two hate hiim back and ii cant be that for hiim.
▲: well, then lie to him! lead him on, then switch it around on him!
▼: kk would kiill me and agaiin ii dont even know iif he ii2 flu2hed for me anyway 2o eh.
▲: i bet he likes you
▲: he talks about you a lot too
▲: i mean
▲: he mostly complains, but it's obvious he cares
▼: ii gue22 ii mean we have been friiend2 2iince we were grub2.
▲: let me find it, hold on
▲: ▼: ii dont 2ee how iit ii2 2o what you liike your friiend ii2nt that kiind of how thiing2 go?
▼: oh touche.
▼: but iin my defen2e kk doe2nt liike me 2o uh yeah.
▲: i bet he does
▼: thii2 ii2 weiird let2 go back two talkiing about your weiird flu2hed bull2hiit.
▲: no, it's your turn to be embarrassed now!
▲: talking about it will make you feel better
▼: iim not embarra22ed and iim perfectly fiine wiith iit.
▲: then why did you just say it was weird?
▼: becau2e iit ii2 ii dont know.
▼: fuck no let2 really 2tart talkiing about dave now.
▲: but talking about that makes me blush, so let's talk about karkat!
▼: well no.
▼: how about iif ii 2ay iive 2een iimage2 of dave 2hiirtle22 huh? trollian viiew poiint ii2 a beautiiful thiing.
▲: wait, so does that mean you can see me right now?
▼: yeah wave john.
▲: did you see?
▼: the blu2h?
▲: no, the wave
▲: i waved
▼: oh yeah niice 2pazz.
▼: back two dave diid you know he ii2 a 2illy 2leeper?
▲: what do you mean?
▼: he talk2 iin hii2 2leep.
▲: oh, really?
▲: what does he say?
▼: your name heh.
▲: oh my gosh
▼: hahah oh man your face ii2 2o fuckiing red.
▲: shut up! it is not!
▼: yeah huh.
▲: well, then, troll boy, look at this!
▼: hah funny the miidle fiinger thiing whiich ii dont even under2tand.
▲: pfft, dang it, an obscene gesture completely wasted
▼: iim 2tiickiing both my tongue2 out at you.
▲: well i can't s- you have two tongues?
▼: yeah iim a gemiinii duh.
▼: ii have two of lot2 of thiing2.
▲: oh, that's awesome!
▼: iit2 weiird.
▼: waiit dont human2 have two poii2on 2ack2?
▲: poison sacks?
▼: liike on your che2t.
▲: um, we have nipples
▲: and girls have boobs
▼: our giirl2 have boob2 but nothiing on them.
▼: our giirl2 have boob2 but nothiing on them.
▲: no nipples?
▼: no that2 ju2t weiird we al2o dont have tho2e hole2 iin your tummy.
▲: no belly buttons either? weird
▼: no iit2 not you guy2 are weiird what are tho2e thiing2 even fuckiing for.
▲: um they arent really for anything, actually
▲: they kind of feel nice...
▼: what do the boob2?
▲: no, well yes, those too, but bellybuttons can feel nice sometimes too
▲: they are pretty sensitive
▼: liike our horn2?
▲: oh, your horns are sensitive?
▼: yeah well the ba2e of them anyway.
▼: where they connect two the 2kull.
▲: does it feel nice to touch?
▼: uh ii dont make iit a habiit of touchiing my own horn2.
▲: well does it feel nice when someone else touches them?
▼: ii thiink iit would be liike 2omeone touchiing your fang2 the one2 that 2tiick out.
▼: kiind of dull but whatever.
▲: my teeth?
▼: yeah doe2nt that feel good two human2?
▲: um, no, unless i'm doing it wrong
▼: oh huh.
▼: fiine iit2 liike iif 2omeone touche2 your human cock.
▲: oh my gosh!
▼: what jegu2.
▲: that's pretty blunt...
▼: iit2 true.
▲: well, its pretty weird to talk about
▼: yeah ii gue22.
▲: do you have one?
▲: you know
▼: look kiid ii 2aiid i have two of lot2 of thiing2 let2 leave iit at that.
▲: oh wow
▼: 2hut up.
▲: but that's pretty
▲: cool, actually
▼: no iit fuckiing 2uck2.
▼: fuckiing weiird a22 body wiith iit2 weiird a22 two2 and uugg.
▲: i think it sounds neat!
▼: oh yeah becau2e haviing two cock2 ii2 2oooo neat.
▲: i bet karkat would think so...
▲: hee hee
▼: you ju2t...
▼: oh fuck you.
▼: he already thiink2 the tongue thiing ii2 weiird.
▲: i bet he is pretending so you don't know how much he likes it!
▲: i bet he is!
▼: ii doubt iit but ii bet you want two uh.
▼: fuck ii bet you want two 2ee dave 2hiirtle22.
▲: oh um
▲: you're just trying to change the subject!
▼: ii dont know what you mean.
▲: oh pshhh, you do too!
▲: ... but yes, i do
▲: i mean! wait! no!
▲: no i dont!
▼: you 2o do.
▲: okay so what if i do
▲: i bet you want to see karkat shirtless!
▼: already have when we were liittle and he u2ed to come over two play.
▲: but i bet you want to NOW huh?
▼: agaiin kk liike2 two run around 2hiirtle22 2ometiime2.
▲: i bet you like that, huh
▼: ii bet you wanna know what 2triider 2ay2 iin hii2 2leep huh.
▲: you are so see through
▲: but tell me
▼: he 2ay2 2tuff like john ii lvn but he never fiinii2he2 hii2 word2.
▲: ... do you maybe have a video clip of that
▼: whyyyy heh.
▲: because i want to watch it, obviously!
▼: i dont anymore but iim not lyiing.
▲: what about, um, pictures?
▼: you really want a piicture of dave all curled up a22leep?
▲: that or shirtless
▼: yeah ii dont take piicture2 2orry.
▲: ugh, fine, then looks like we are talking about your mancrush on karkat!
▲: so, you like seeing him run around shirtless
▼: yeah 2o.
▲: so, what would happen if i were to...
▲: tell him that?
▼: then ii tell dave you want piicture2 of hiim 2hiirtle22.
▲: okay fine
▲: i will think of a way to embarrass you
▼: doubt iit.
▲: i will, you'll see!
▲: i bet you want to lick karkat's nubby little horns, huh
▼: ye2 ii do.
▲: mmm, i bet you can just imagine it now, huh?
▼: niice try john iit doe2nt work.
▲: aww, i'm so bad at this dirty talk thing...
▼: yeaahh you are.
▲: can you teach me?
▼: hell2 no.
▼: go a2k dave.
▼: or vrii2ka jegu2.
▲: you're no fun
▼: when ii 2ay 2omethiing like you want two feel hii2 2kiin under your hand2 doe2nt that 2ound better?
▲: i guess
▲: but it's kinda cheesy
▼: fuck you you try better.
▲: how about
▲: you lean in and, um, kiss the place where his shoulder meets his neck?
▼: wow john 2oo 2exy pft.
▲: oh hush
▼: 2ooo hot john oh man.
▲: leave me alone! i'm trying!
▼: fiine let me try
▼: you 2nake your hand around hii2 waii2t and pull hiim clo2er untiil your hiip2 touch
▼: fuck ii dont know anythiing about human 2ex thii2 ii2 weiird.
▲: hehe, i think it's fun!
▼: yeah yeah you would.
▲: what's that supposed to mean?!
▼: hehe. nothiing john.
▲: no, tell me!
▼: ii dunno iit ju2t amu2e2 me.
▲: ok fine, i guess its my turn, then
▼: yeah ii gue22.
▲: you nibble a little at his lower lip before sucking on it
▲: is that better?
▼: oh haha yeah much better.
▼: have you ever actually kii22ed anyone?
▼: that2 kiinda cute ii gue22 riight human2 thiink that2 cute?
▲: ugh no! its so embarrassing!
▲: i dunno, it just is, i guess
▲: i bet dave has kissed someone before...
▼: ii dont know but he doe2 2eem the type huh.
▲: oh gog what am i thinking...
▲: why would he want to be with a derp like me
▼: he thiink2 you are cute.
▲: cute is so lame
▼: well he liike2 you 2o fuck iif ii know ii mean ii liike kk becau2e he ii2 cute two 2o eh.
▲: but what if we try to kiss, and he gets all bored or something because i'm bad at it?
▼: why would he do that ii bet he would fuckiing be e2tatiic two be kii22ed by the boy he ha2 liiked for year2.
▲: m-maybe at first
▲: but then he'll realize i'm bad at it
▼: ii hone2tly dont thiink hed care.
▼: yeah really.
▲: wow, you really are a nice troll!
▼: no iim not.
▲: well you're being really nice to me right now! even though you're teasing me
▼: troll2 are not niice 2o yeah.
▲: you all seem pretty nice to me!
▲: even karkat sometimes
▼: well ii mean we kiind of 2hare the 2ame problem riight now 2o..
▲: yea, you're right
▲: except you're more like dave, and i'm um... probably more like karkat?
▼: iim nothiing liike that iin2ufferable priick
▲: hee hee
▲: *eye roll*
▼: 2hut up iim not.
▲: well, you're both really cool!
▼: well uh yeah but that2 iit.
▲: if you say so.
▼: ii do.
▲: so um, do you want me to ask karkat how he feels about you?
▼: no no no that2 horrible iidea he wiill thiink you are hiittiing on hiim or 2omethiing ii told you he ha2 a cru2h on you or 2omethiing.
▲: a hatecrush
▼: yeah but 2tiill.
▲: why would he think i was hitting on him if i ask about you?
▼: he miight thiink you are 2eeiing iif his quadrant2 are fiilled.
▲: oh... well, i'll think of something!
▼: iif you want ii gue22?
▼: you dont have two help me wiith thii2.
▲: but i want to! you are helping me!
▼: okay? weiiird ii gue22 troll2 ju2t dont do thii2 for eachother.
▲: well i'm not a troll.
▼: well uh john thank2 for everythiing but kk ii2 yelliing at me two fiix hii2 computer now jegu2 fuck and uh ii hope everythiing work2 out wiith you and dave.
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